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Grandpa and the Elves
One of the great rites of passages for aging men and women is the day people look upon their handiwork and shake their head in disbelief and awe. Often backyard workshops and garage hobby spots became the artist’s studio or engineer’s laboratory. When the fateful day comes for the person to move on they leave a legacy of delightful and sometimes puzzling contraptions. Part of the home inspectors job is to see, evaluate, and marvel at the designer’s ingenuity. In that spirit I offer some of the discoveries that I choose to call, “Grandpa and the Elves.”
Oppenheimer has captured the attention of America this last year. This rocket-looking feature hangs from the workshop ceiling ready for take-off (or landing). However, it has nothing to do with flying and projectiles. It does involve propulsion but its focus is pulling air inside along with all the dust and particulars nearby. Grandpa and Elves suck in all the good ways!
What is it?
A ceiling-mounted shop vacuum!
This one was clearly designed in a factory and sold to the general public by a Grandpa or an Elf. This wall-integrated device is something every household needs to ensure that crisp, starched collars frame every handsome neck in their place of business. Old-fashioned, high-tech. I was almost scared to put the “iron” to the fire but it passed the test.
What is it?
The NuTone Ironing Center!
The question was not so much what this chain-crucifix was for, as what Top Secret experiment Grandpa and the Elves were performing inside! Curtains, sticks, billy bars, grates and bars are common window security features. This took the “STAY OUT!” message to whole new levels.
What was being protected within this chained workshop?
[Classified]
Grandma was tired of Grandpa and the Elves’ noisy antics and obscenities like “Dang-nabbit!” when hammers missed their mark and crunched digits. The Almond Brothers could only be looped so many times before every neighbor was going mad. Grandpa and the Elves accomplished two big wins with this. The first is the noise-canceling quality of these ceiling pads – they probably inspired Apple’s fancy new airpods.
What was the second big accomplishment?
Head protection in low clearance areas!
Just before Orville and Wilbur Wright invented the airplane that flew on Kitty Hawk they received a phone call. Grandpa and the Elves had an idea that involved air and movement like the device pictured. We are flying commercial planes because of something like this… I really don’t know what this device was for but it seemed to blast air through the hose.
What’s your guess?
Mine – primitive air hose.
I was at a house and the main living area had a bank of switches. Yes, a bank. Seven! Some controlled lights and others fans. Some were three-ways with a corresponding switch on the other side of the room. I’m not a big fan of stickers but this was clearly a job for Grandpa and the Elves. I texted my family with the chicken-scratched caption, “Where is Grandpa’s Labeller?”
What is this?
Switch Gridlock.
After the pesky squirrels and raccoons have learned to keep out of the yard there is a purpose for even damaged shell-casings. Grandpa and the Elves left a reminder to the vermin that their yard is not welcome for loitering and trespassing. It fits that goofy sign sitting in the workshop that gun control involves a steady hand. Press on the cartridge and pray there is not a click and bang that follows.
What is this?
Brass gate latch.
